and you said cock pushups were impossible
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
