Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
