my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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