you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
