So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
