Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
