oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Please don't give away my fajitas
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
