i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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