nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Randomize
