you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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