I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
