don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
