Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
