who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
