I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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