If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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