did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Randomize