Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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