There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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