please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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