3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
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