I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
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