The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize