Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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