UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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