I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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