He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
