Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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