Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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