its not stalking. its research.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Girls should come with a carfax report
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
