fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize