i need an iv and a liver transplant
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
