I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
