Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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