My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize