$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
