There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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