No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
