I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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