mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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