Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
i think i just lost a toe
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
