You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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