the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Come see our sink grown plant.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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