she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
