wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
