Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I hope mine doesn't look like that
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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