Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
