a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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