Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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