I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
