Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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