is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
