It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize