i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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