separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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