no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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