My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
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