Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
