good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
