Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
