I will die if light touches me.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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